Kelly and her partner Dan have been foster carers for a year. Kelly and Dan live with their son aged 9 and their daughter aged 10. Kelly previously grew up as a child of a foster carer and was surrounded by foster children all of her life. Here she tells us of her first experience fostering parents and their child.
When we received the phone call about a possible mother and baby placement I was over the moon! I remembered a number of Mum and Dad’s parent and child placements with really happy memories and was excited about meeting both Mum and baby. As it turned out, a later call added dad to the placement so it turned out that we had a parents and child placement.
The first evening after all the social workers and support staff left was lovely, we all got a takeaway and had a chat about how everyone was feeling and got to know each other a little.
In the beginning our placement was under the agreement of 24/7 supervision (baring two hours a couple of times a week) so we all spent most of our time together. This went wonderfully for the first 6 weeks and we built a really close bond with mum, dad and baby. We talked through any concerns and gave advice when needed. We tried to make our home as much like an extended family as we could. We went on family days out, went shopping together, found local baby groups to attend and ate together. Mum and I spent all day together while Dan was a work, Emily and Josh were at school and Dad was at college. We would go to a baby group or soft play, then have lunch and do some shopping. During these times we would chat about parenting and why we do certain things, as well as a life, past and future aspirations. I could see that Mum and Dad loved their baby and, with some guidance, were being great parents. This was a really positive aspect of our placement, building that bond, watching the progress of learning good parenting skills, and in turn baby making great developmental progress.
We then had a court hearing and it was made clear that the intention was for a move onto independence. After this we hit a few bumps in the road and a few issues needed to be addressed. This was the beginning of some difficult feelings. When everything went well the bonds we had were nothing but positive, but when our reporting had to contain less positive aspects I started to feel strange. I had to address these aspects, and ask for help and advice when my support and guidance was not taken on board, as we needed to ensure baby’s needs were all met. I knew these things, but still I felt strange. After a lot of talking and discussion with our social worker I realised I felt that I was betraying Mum. I think that was a big realisation for me, I realised that when fostering parents and children there is almost a conflict of interest when it comes to your feelings, not about logic and thinking about it changed my feelings. I discussed all the notes that I took with mum and dad, and what we needed to do to address these issues and why, but still that nagging feeling stayed with me.
When you have individual placements you are always working for that child or young person, they are your primary concern and (well I am at least) geared up, gloves and all, to fight their corner. When you are working with a family there are more aspects, you must build a bond with and look after the welfare of the child but also the parents, and sometimes the two don’t sit easily together.
Part of being a foster carer for me is being able to empathises and understand that a child’s past has an impact on their behaviour and feelings. In doing this with our placement and through many hours of talking about everything and anything with them brought a real understanding of what their childhoods had been like and why they do the things they do.
We knew about the importance of accurate note keeping but were not prepared for the emotional challenges that we did not, and probably could not, have anticipated.
I wouldn’t want to put anyone off of doing parent and child placements, as we had some lovely times and, when things go well, the idea is where ever possible to keep families together which is a great process to be a part of. However these were aspects that I don’t think you can anticipate until they come along or someone (tries) to explain them to you.
Kelly is back on our vacancy list looking forward to another parent and child placement. Thank you to Kelly for sharing her story. Thanks also to the comments we received on the facebook blog especially Karen Moss who suggests that the great reward also come with elements of sadness when they leave (especially when the parenting assessment is negative and the parent is separated from their baby in the end). Still worth it though! She also suggests that it is helpful to have a good support network when you need a break.